This journal entry was made during a short trip to an island about 3 hours south of Bangkok. It was the most enchantingly pretty place I’d ever seen. Clean clear water, the whitest sand I’ve seen even in pictures, and the strangest flowers too. This drawing is of an even smaller island I kayaked out to (by myself) one morning. I neglected to wear my life jacket. It was the first time in 2 months I experienced actual stillness, since the city is so busy. And I always become like the things I’m around. So my mind was busy and loud and full of distractions. And disappointments. Anyways, there I was, kayaking out to this island alone, sitting ON TOP my life-jacket, throwing caution to the wind. And yes it was windy. And the waves were choppy. And I was probably not scared enough, because I was like, “Oh world, you’re so big and small at the same time, like me. I’m invincible because I’m insignificant and I know it; you can’t hurt me.”
So. You know that part in movies or books where the main character faces a crisis of sorts, and they just go off into nature all alone, and get all reflective? That’s what I felt like. It’s stupid when you’re in the middle of absolute quiet beauty, and you’re envisioning yourself as a fictional character facing vague obstacles with sweeping music in the background… Anyways, I was being reflective and waiting for a life-changing revelation to descend upon me out of the clouds. Didn’t get that. (I rarely do, and I used to think it was a terrible problem…) Instead, God just let me remember that no matter where I go or what I do on this earth, I’ll always have an internal battle between my sinful nature and my redeemed nature. This schizophrenic feeling I have is normal. It pushes me into Jesus, into desperate prayer for help. He reminded me that I have everything I need though, to do right and “be” right regardless of how I feel. He reminded me that feelings don’t matter as much as the truth matters. He reminded me that I can have peace in His Truth, even when I’m scattered in pieces of insecure pride. He made me almost grateful for my problems, for the simple fact that God uses them to wake up my groggy heart and cause it to be affectioned toward the only One who can truly wake me up. Duh.
So I kayaked back in quiet, renewed peace. I went back to Bangkok and street dogs and motor-taxis in determined peace. I resumed teaching metals classes, battling insecurities, sweating too much, feeling ugly and frizzy-headed on a daily basis, and getting sick off the (delicious) food…
And I had peace because Truth got real to me, by the grace of God.